ADHD Masking: When We're Constantly Monitoring ourselves

Sorry! How many times a day do we use this word without actually knowing why?

Sorry for bothering you.
Sorry for asking.
Sorry for going on and on.
Sorry if I said something wrong.

And sometimes we apologize for something that never even happened.

Someone replies a little more briefly than usual, and our mind immediately starts going:

Did I do something wrong?
Did I upset them?
Was I too much?

So we read the message we sent an hour ago all over again. We look for something we could have worded differently. Something that might have put the other person off.

Maybe you know the feeling.

And maybe this is where an interesting topic connected to ADHD begins: masking.

When we learn to monitor ourselves

Masking, simply put, means hiding, suppressing, or controlling our natural ways of expressing ourselves in order to better fit in with what other people expect from us.

For people with ADHD, this might include trying to control impulsivity, interrupting, restlessness, forgetfulness, or strong emotional reactions.

That doesn't mean we're consciously pretending to be someone else.

Often, we learn to do it gradually.

Sometimes starting in childhood.

"What are you doing?"

"Wait a minute."

"Don't push your way in."

"Pay attention."

"Don't interrupt me."

"Just sit still for a while."

"How could you forget again?"

Of course, one sentence like this doesn't necessarily mean anything. Children need boundaries, and they need to learn how to function around other people.

But when we experience these kinds of reactions over and over again, we may take away something quite different from a simple lesson about a particular behavior.

Not just:

"That wasn't appropriate."

But gradually:

"I'm always doing something wrong."

And from there, it can be just a small step toward constantly monitoring ourselves.

How much can I talk?

Maybe you know the feeling of being around other people while, at the same time, another conversation is taking place inside your head.

Am I talking too much?

Am I too loud?

Should I say something now?

Have I talked enough?

Do I look weird?

Did their expression just change?

Did I say something wrong?

And yet, from the outside, we may look completely calm.

Other people see the result.

They don't see everything that went into it.

And that's exactly why this way of functioning can be so exhausting.

We weren't just having a conversation.

We were also monitoring ourselves.

Our voice.
Our gestures.
Our emotions.
How much we were saying.
How the other person was reacting.

As if, alongside our actual life, another program were running in the background:

"Am I doing this right?"

What if someone seems different?

There can be another layer to this.

When we're used to doubting our own behavior, we may start paying very close attention to other people's reactions.

Someone is quieter than usual?

I must have done something.

Someone doesn't reply to our message?

I must have written something wrong.

Someone looks irritated?

Maybe I upset them.

But the person in front of us might simply be having a bad day.

They might be tired.

They might be dealing with something completely unrelated.

And yet our mind automatically chooses:

"It's because of me."

Not always.

And of course, not everything we think is connected to ADHD. These patterns can have many different causes.

For some people with ADHD, however, years of criticism, forgetfulness, impulsivity, or the feeling that they have messed something up again may contribute to becoming overly vigilant about their own behavior.

When adapting becomes a way of life

Adapting our behavior to our surroundings isn't inherently a bad thing.

We all do it.

We'll probably behave differently in a job interview than we do at home with someone we've known for twenty years.

Being able to stop ourselves when we're interrupting someone, or recognize when our behavior is hurting another person, is an important part of functioning well with others.

The difference may lie in why we're adapting.

There's a difference between:

"I know I sometimes talk a lot, and I'm learning to notice when it's time to give someone else space."

and:

"I have to constantly monitor myself because if people saw who I really am, they wouldn't like me."

In the first case, we're working with our skills.

In the second, we start to feel that we ourselves are the problem.

And this is where masking can also become connected to fear of rejection or the need to constantly please others.

Who am I when I stop monitoring myself?

Maybe this is one of the most interesting questions in the whole topic.

Who am I when I stop trying to be the person I think other people want me to be?

Which things I do are actually things I want to do?

And which things do I do simply because I learned long ago that this would make me more acceptable to others?

I don't mean that we should throw away all our boundaries and start living by:

"This is who I am, so everyone else can just deal with it."

That wouldn't be authenticity. It would be more like giving up responsibility for our behavior.

We can be ourselves while also learning to work with the things that make life more difficult for us.

We can know that we tend to interrupt people and learn ways to work on it.

We can know that we're forgetful and find ways to organize things that work better for us.

We can notice that we sometimes react too impulsively and learn to create a little more space between what we feel and how we respond.

But all of that is very different from believing:

"I have to change so that other people will accept me."

I don't have to apologize for existing

Sometimes it can be useful to start with something very small.

Notice what we're actually apologizing for.

Did I really hurt someone?

Or did I simply ask a question?

Did I actually do something wrong?

Or is someone just looking different than they did five minutes ago?

Apologies have their place. When we make a mistake or hurt someone, it's perfectly okay to apologize.

But we don't have to automatically assume that we've done something wrong every time an uncomfortable feeling comes up.

And we certainly don't have to assume that we are the problem.

Maybe we can gradually learn something different:

"I know who I am. I know what aspects of the way I function make life more difficult for me, and I can work on them. When I make a mistake, I can apologize.

But I don't have to automatically assume that I am the mistake."

And maybe that's part of the journey toward greater self-acceptance.

Not by stopping being ourselves.

But by learning to distinguish between what is truly ours…

and what we learned long ago to do simply so that we could be "okay."

Do you recognize yourself in this?

If you recognize yourself in some of these situations, it may not be easy to distinguish on your own between what is genuinely you and what you've learned over the years to do in order to be acceptable to others.

That's something we can work on together.

We can gradually uncover the patterns you've developed, look at where they came from, and explore what still helps you today — and what, on the other hand, is simply draining your energy.

The goal isn't to get rid of everything you've learned.

It's more about gradually discovering where you no longer have to be constantly on guard.

And where you can be a little more yourself. 🩵